Do You Really Want to Know?

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“People won’t tell you how they feel until they believe you want to know.” – Sheila Heen

I am often reminded of this quote when people ask me questions. Any question that asks for my opinion or thought. These questions could fall under any category: general work, design, business, news, politics, books, media, life decisions, sports, whatever. Because many struggle to be vulnerable or live out their truly authentic values, it’s common to reply with an auto response to questions in order to brush them away. We may cover it by replying with a vague answer, a safe answer, or perhaps an answer you “think” the asker wants to hear. I am not perfect by any means and have done, and still do, this often.

Take for example the question “How are you?
Good.” —This is likely your typical response.

Or, “Where do you stand on [this] issue?
[The side that you’re on in order to block false judgements or retaliation back]” —This is an easier route to take.

Or, “Do you have ideas for [this]?”
Yes, I think it…“—But you’re interrupted by the asker and choose to just keep quiet instead. —Again, easier.

So, let’s go back and dissect Sheila Heen’s quote: “People won’t tell you how they feel until they believe you want to know.”

Until they believe“. Wow, that could take some time.

It’s a tough task to get someone to believe and trust you. Advertisers try to do this on a daily basis with the brands they are selling. But set aside advertisers, let’s look at you. Are you trustworthy? Believable?…to your employees, friends, family, colleagues? What are your true motives?

How do you get to be believable? Each scenario is different, and I don’t claim to have the answers to this, just the curiosity of exploring it. To start though, I think it comes down to having compassion, open-mindedness, and a listening ear to build this trust.

The next time someone asks you a question about your thoughts and opinions, ask yourself your own question first: Am I filtering my thoughts to plan the best answer outcome for the asker, or am I representing my true values?

How are you?


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Feedback is Crucial

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Don’t let ratings self-teach the receiver.

People struggle with feedback conversations, but they are crucial to keeping your team on track. Humans have a need to learn and grow, and they have a need to feel respected, appreciated, and valued for who they are. Both giving and receiving feedback is a skill. At the Global Leadership Summit, Sheila Heen pointed out that there are three types of feedback:

  1. Appreciate: I see you, and you matter.
  2. Coaching: Get better at something.
  3. Evaluation: Where do I stand?

The problem is that leaders tend to lump coaching and evaluation together. We see our rating numbers within our evaluations first and ignore the coaching part afterward. Don’t forget this step or let ratings self-teach the receiver. In addition, leaders need to receive feedback. Leaders need to be better receivers so they can be better givers.


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